November 23, 2013 by travelingsole
I haven’t quite figured out how I’ve changed. I feel different. I can’t put my finger on it. Coming home was one of the hardest things. But I was also desperately ready to be home. Desperately ready to have space. I was ready to stop living out of a backpack. Ready to see my family and friends.
I wasn’t ready for the change of coming home though. I came home to a funeral. It was a beautiful memorial of a life well lived. It was extremely sad though because she had been taken so suddenly and too young. I mourned with my friends. I felt inadequate when it came to trying to provide any comfort. I cried a lot.
Home wasn’t the same as when I left. I knew before I left that there was going to be changes at the end of the summer but I wasn’t ready to face them. When I came home my dear brother was married. One of my best friends and had moved to far away Canada. And my living situation was up in the air.
Before I left for Turkey I nearly had a breakdown. I was overwhelmed. My schedule was full and there was nothing I could take off of it. I was trying do homework in preparation for the trip. I was helping with two weddings. Sewing 3 dresses for those weddings. I was working a lot of hours at 3 different jobs. I knew that if anything else was added to my plate I would lose it. I almost didn’t go to Turkey.
I have always been a strong person. At least on the outside. I’m tough. That gets me in trouble sometimes because I can’t say no. I think “I can do it all and I’ll be fine.” Those last couple weeks before we left I knew that something had to change. I couldn’t keep living like that. It wasn’t healthy for me or my relationships.
Turkey taught me a lot about following God. Listening for his will. So many times we had plans that fell to pieces. Every detail was figured and re-figured but somehow the plans crashed and burned. Each time we prayed. Each time God came through for us with a plan that was way better than the original plan. After a few times of this happening I started to see a pattern.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I started to wonder why I could see that it was God moving in Turkey but I could never see that at home. The answer was clear. At home I had my schedule full with no flexibility and I was in charge of my plans. If something happened and things didn’t go as planned I just planned it a different way ending up with mostly the same end result. In Turkey there wasn’t a routine to be broken. We worked as a team to figure out what to do. Plans affected 35 people so we paid attention when things feel apart. As a team, we spent an hour every morning asking God for guidance and assistance.
Coming home my goal was and is to allow God help with the day to day plans. If I don’t ask God to help with the little things how will I recognize it when He is trying to help with the big things. Asking Him to help in the day to day gets me in practice to help with the life changes.
Dan said it well in a guest post a while back,
“God is about more than just escaping hell. [There] is a sweet peace and a joy in just letting someone bigger than you take over and make those perfect decisions for you.”
All these changes were actually manageable because God was there to help me. It was still scary. Some of those changes weren’t fun to go through. But some of those changes have turned out wonderfully. I gained a sister. I love going to my brother’s house and being there with them just talking. I love watching him love and be loved. I went to see my dear friend in Canada. I love her little house and she is very much in love with her husband. They are a dynamic couple that I love dearly. I quit one of my part-time jobs. I live alone most of the time now and I actually don’t hate it.
I am at peace because it’s not about me. It’s not about what I want. It’s about what God wants for me.